disposable.

Deep within we all yearn to be loved. To be accepted. To not be alone. The misery that lives within my soul is something that is not a quick fix. It resonates deep down to the core; an innate fear that I will die alone.

Every night I lay my head down I cry. Not tears of gratefulness but tears of sadness and sorrow. Tears stream down my face burning my pillow case with “why me” strewn all about. It is incredibly difficult to fully convey what I am feeling by way of words other than I am a very sad, sad soul. Not without sounding like a pathetic piece of shit…

No, my life is not centered around a man…or having a man. But just like the vision every little girl has in childhood, I want to be married. I want to be with someone till death does us part. I want to get through the good and bad times together with someone who will not mind waking next to me every single day of their life.

I want to be loved.

I am tired of being disposable.

I love my two girls with everything in me, but at the end of the day, I am alone. What is wrong with ME?

There are times I just do not want to wake up because I know there is something wrong with me. What is it that I didn’t do that made you “stop loving me”?

You never loved me in the first place. I loved you with EVERYTHING I had…That’s the problem. I loved you. So very much…and had a lot of faith in us. But there was still something missing obviously. I was not who you wanted. I was never the one. Despite everything we went through…I was still not good enough for you to give a chance. I was still not enough for you to try with.

I wish I hated you as much as I hate myself for ever loving you….

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