The holidays are on the horizon and I could not be more depressed about it.
Well, actually…I probably could be even more depressed about it. It is simple: I have my two beautiful girls, one of which will be waking up next to me for Christmas morning, the other with her paternal family, but I will still be alone. I will be spending my Christmas holiday as a single mom.
There are so many days now where I sit and just stare blankly at the wall with a million and one thoughts racing through my mind with no finish line in sight. I oftentimes catch myself in the middle of a daymare wondering what exactly did I do in my life to deserve this kind of loneliness. What an ignoramus I was to make such terrible decisions that have landed me in the position I am currently in.
I sit and wonder what my life would be like had I followed my dream of moving to New York directly out of high school rather than going to a local university in North Carolina. I sit and think about how it is very likely I will live the rest of my life alone and in a deep sad sorrow.
Sure, I could find someone.
But I don’t want just anyone. That is easy…
I want to not cry every single night while my sweet Sofia lays next to me snoring gently in my ear. I want to not cry every single night while my sweet Aniah is in her bedroom tossing occasionally and rustling in her covers.
I am just tired of crying. Crying and no one understanding why. Crying and others all saying just get over it. Move on.
He’s no good for you anyway.
Well, the heart wants what it wants and it is fighting my brain every single day. My brain says, “Hey stupid. He doesn’t love you. He never did…and he never will. Move on. Live life…”
But then my heart yells back, “But you love him…fight for what you want. Do whatever necessary to keep your family together…”
That is where the conflict happens. That is where the depression sets in deeply. So deep it feels like I am below the surface of the Earth with no tools to help dig my way out. I know what “everyone” I should do. I know what I am supposed to do. But clearly I am not the brightest crayon in the box.
Because my heart just WILL NOT LET GO.
I have zero holiday happiness in my heart. Please, save the comments saying to be grateful because I have my two beautiful girls.
Trust me, I know that. I adore them both. They are my heart strings…
But that doesn’t make my reality pill any easier to swallow.
Holiday cheer is optional…not mandatory.