disposable.

Deep within we all yearn to be loved. To be accepted. To not be alone. The misery that lives within my soul is something that is not a quick fix. It resonates deep down to the core; an innate fear that I will die alone.

Every night I lay my head down I cry. Not tears of gratefulness but tears of sadness and sorrow. Tears stream down my face burning my pillow case with “why me” strewn all about. It is incredibly difficult to fully convey what I am feeling by way of words other than I am a very sad, sad soul. Not without sounding like a pathetic piece of shit…

No, my life is not centered around a man…or having a man. But just like the vision every little girl has in childhood, I want to be married. I want to be with someone till death does us part. I want to get through the good and bad times together with someone who will not mind waking next to me every single day of their life.

I want to be loved.

I am tired of being disposable.

I love my two girls with everything in me, but at the end of the day, I am alone. What is wrong with ME?

There are times I just do not want to wake up because I know there is something wrong with me. What is it that I didn’t do that made you “stop loving me”?

You never loved me in the first place. I loved you with EVERYTHING I had…That’s the problem. I loved you. So very much…and had a lot of faith in us. But there was still something missing obviously. I was not who you wanted. I was never the one. Despite everything we went through…I was still not good enough for you to give a chance. I was still not enough for you to try with.

I wish I hated you as much as I hate myself for ever loving you….

selfish tendencies.

Hello guys! It’s me…

There is this little thing called life. The only thing truly promised to us all out of this thing called “life” is death.

With that in mind, why do we live life as if each day is promised? Why don’t we live like we are DYING? Because we are afraid. I know I have this terrible fear of death. One that overcomes me at times to the point where I can’t even fall asleep because I fear that I may not wake up in the morning. I have a fear that when I die, my girls will have no one and I will miss out on so many steps in their lives.

We have this innate fear that if we jump, we will fall into an abyss of the unknown without any hope of rescue. Society has primed us all to believe we are supposed to go to college, get a degree, get a job, get married, have the nuclear family including the 2.5 children with the dog and cat and life is to be perfect every day thereafter.

I hate to break it to you all, but it truly does not work that way. Life does NOT work out like an episode from Full House. We don’t argue then kiss and makeup by the end of a thirty minute time slot.

We get angry.

…and stay angry. Sometimes for YEARS.

It is okay to be selfish sometimes. We should all have selfish tendencies sometimes so we learn our own value. What do I mean by this you ask? I mean be selfish. Stop caring about what others think and what others SAY you should be doing. Live your own life. Be selfish. Jump out of a plane. Take that road trip with the last $100 you have to your name. You only get one life; live it. Be selfish.

Have selfish tendencies.

{Butt building} if you build it, they will come…

So I did this thing the other day; I reactivated my gym membership.

Why you ask? Because I need to build a butt. I need to revamp my entire outlook on life and myself and I figured I would start with my physical appearance. I am not fat, by any stretch of the imagination, but 161.2 pounds is not where I want to be weight wise.

Now if that was muscle weight, I’d be fine.

But it isn’t. Remember, I just had a baby 9.5 months ago…

A wise person told me recently if you build it, they will come. So I guess I need to build my butt? This journey shall be interesting to say the least. I guess this means now I need to change the way I eat and cut back on my pasta consumption?

Nooooo!

I just purchased a pasta maker!

Sigh.

Holiday cheer. {Optional}

The holidays are on the horizon and I could not be more depressed about it.

Well, actually…I probably could be even more depressed about it. It is simple: I have my two beautiful girls, one of which will be waking up next to me for Christmas morning, the other with her paternal family, but I will still be alone. I will be spending my Christmas holiday as a single mom.

There are so many days now where I sit and just stare blankly at the wall with a million and one thoughts racing through my mind with no finish line in sight. I oftentimes catch myself in the middle of a daymare wondering what exactly did I do in my life to deserve this kind of loneliness. What an ignoramus I was to make such terrible decisions that have landed me in the position I am currently in.

I sit and wonder what my life would be like had I followed my dream of moving to New York directly out of high school rather than going to a local university in North Carolina. I sit and think about how it is very likely I will live the rest of my life alone and in a deep sad sorrow.

Sure, I could find someone.

But I don’t want just anyone. That is easy…

I want to not cry every single night while my sweet Sofia lays next to me snoring gently in my ear. I want to not cry every single night while my sweet Aniah is in her bedroom tossing occasionally and rustling in her covers.

I am just tired of crying. Crying and no one understanding why. Crying and others all saying just get over it. Move on.

He’s no good for you anyway.

Well, the heart wants what it wants and it is fighting my brain every single day. My brain says, “Hey stupid. He doesn’t love you. He never did…and he never will. Move on. Live life…”

But then my heart yells back, “But you love him…fight for what you want. Do whatever necessary to keep your family together…”

That is where the conflict happens. That is where the depression sets in deeply. So deep it feels like I am below the surface of the Earth with no tools to help dig my way out. I know what “everyone” I should do. I know what I am supposed to do. But clearly I am not the brightest crayon in the box.

Because my heart just WILL NOT LET GO.

I have zero holiday happiness in my heart. Please, save the comments saying to be grateful because I have my two beautiful girls.

Trust me, I know that. I adore them both. They are my heart strings…

But that doesn’t make my reality pill any easier to swallow.

Holiday cheer is optional…not mandatory.