lunacy.

I look and the mirror and am so infuriated with the person I have become. I disgust myself with what I have allowed to transpire in my life.

I was once a woman who wouldn’t allow a man to treat me any kind of way, talk to me any kind of fashion or generally do whatever possible to make me feel that much less of a person. The implication is constantly made that if I would’ve stayed home, or if I would’ve not responded then things wouldn’t be the way they are.

No not hardly.

I am not the cause of the drama that has become part of my life. You are the one who continued to keep contact. I told you if you walk out and go back to her that was it; we were done and over. But you did it anyway. I get an email from her after I ask you over and over to return what belongs to me so you can just go and be with her…but you drag your feet. One more Saturday night I was supposed to sit at home while you were “handling” things with her. Handling things? I am supposed to wait at home, alone again while you’re gone with her doing whatever…and I am supposed to wait until YOU decide to come back. Because you’ll see her for an hour and the look of her will make you sick. Yeah, whatever.

If you already know you detest someone so much, WHY GO BACK TO THEM?

The one thing I hate the most is the fact that I have allowed this to consume my entire life. I believe over and over the same lies, the same stories the same cries that this is the last time…

The last five times were “the last time”.

The one thing I will agree with you about is that yes, I am an idiot. An idiot for believing any word you’ve ever spoken to me. An idiot for believing you would in fact do things right for me. For US.

How delusional?

There comes a point in every situation where you have to sit back and evaluate everything. You have to sit back and ask yourself is it in fact WORTH IT.

At this point, considering the names I’ve been called, the implications made and everything else that has happened…I am going to have to say no. I gave 110% you gave nothing. And continued to give nothing and will ALWAYS give NOTHING.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result knowing that won’t happen. I guess that makes me insane to a degree right?

The sad thing is, all I asked was for open communication. How would YOU feel if I kept in contact with a man I left YOU for, planned on living with, fell in love with (supposedly…but it appears to actually be the case), evidently asked to marry and got me locked up not once but TWICE and possibly a third time?

You’d be livid and probably would’ve let me go a long time ago. You would’ve cut ties a long ass time ago and let bygones by bygones. Me in my stupidity continued to let you come back. The crazy shit you put up with in the name of that fucking word LOVE.

You never loved me…you don’t love me. If you did, you would’ve done WHATEVER necessary to make sure I was happy. To make sure we were happy and that we would be back on track of fixing things. Some of the words spoken to me are deplorable….I am surprised I have even been back in your presence after such attacks. Nothing physical of course, just here lately an arsenal of negative words making everything that has happened somehow MY FAULT.

Let me ask you this, how does it feel to leave a good woman at home, one who HAS A HOME, a stable home with no issues for one who has multiple issues with the law, clear and evident addictions and lives in hotels? That is a clear judge of your character and what you see as an acceptable relationship. You say to me you don’t know what you want to do, that you can’t ever lose me and that you’ll have me no matter what, yet I’m supposed to sit back while you still continue to pursue her.

Not anymore. I can’t do it and I am too amazing for this.

You have taken my heart and put it in a blender, put it on puree and watched it be ground into millions of pieces. You watched me cry. You sat and watched me beg and plead with you to do better…that you are a better person than what you’ve been lately. But what is my word to you? It is NOTHING.

I am removing myself from this. I need to detox my heart and soul from the toxicity of you and the woman you chose over me.

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