It’s a new year and I can’t say that I am so happy.
2013 was a hell of a year; one of heartbreak, loss of family and impending sickness.
Where do I even start? Earlier in the year I lost my grandmother and my aunt. Two strong women who I held and still hold very close to my heart. The world lost both of these beauties within a two month period…It has been quite literally almost 7 years or so since I last heard my grandmother speak. We called her “Nan”. She wasn’t grandma, nana or any of the sort, she was simply known to us and close family as “Nan”.
Nan was a regal woman; a woman of such brilliant stature that no matter what room she entered, she resonated a royal flare that only those born into royalty can exude. Nan taught me how to read and write…and be good to people no matter what.
I miss her so much…
Sitting next to her now however, is her daughter. My Aunt Kaye. I have so many fond memories with her, I can’t even begin! From spending many summers in Charlotte with her, to being forced to polish silver with my cousin on any given Saturday morning before going out to play. Where Nan taught me to be good to people, Aunt Kaye taught me how to be a responsible person. Both of these women were like mom to me.
About a month before my Aunt passed away I went to visit her. I stayed at her house with her, went to church and sat on the front row with her. (much to my own internal objections because quite frankly, I think my dress was far too short to be sitting on the front row!) I drove her back home and when I was about to leave, she hugged me. My Aunt Kaye hugged me and told me she loved me…I don’t think I remember any time before that hearing her say such things to me and hugging me.
And then there’s this man. This man who came into my life-like a whirlwind. We were already friends before so he was nothing new. What was new this time, however, is that he was now living with me. I let him move in as a favor because I knew he had nowhere to go. And I needed a roommate. Never in a million years did I see he and I blossoming into any kind of relationship. He was a being a rolling stone at the moment and I was finishing up my whore phase.
A match made in heaven maybe?
As he stayed longer, I became more attached. I began to fall in love with him. I took him to meet my family (by his request mind you….) I met his family (who I absolutely ADORE!) and finally one day this summer, we decided to make US official. We became an item. We were labeled.
Things were absolutely beautiful…we didn’t argue. Of course had the normal disagreements, but nothing serious of course. He and I were so good together. And I loved him…I loved him more than I’ve loved any male counterpart in my adult existence. He made me feel so good in ways I didn’t think possible. I felt secure with him, like I could take on the world and no one would touch me. That he would let no one harm me.
I think he loved me too.
But where did it all go wrong?
He had a past that I didn’t know about. There was a reason he left his hometown years ago…to escape the demons within. However, those demons followed and he has finally succumbed to them. In his words, he’s gotten “caught up” in stuff…
…which means I am no longer important to him. He and I are no longer important to him.
The worst part about addictions is being the person on the other side. The person who loves them still…even through being drug through the mud. The person who sill wants to be by their side to help the other person overcome whatever addiction there might be. The difficulty of being on the other side knowing there’s absolutely nothing I can do to save him.
All I want to do is hold him. Take him in my arms, wrap him up and show him…
Show him I care. Show him that someone is in his corner.
Show him I love him.
It is even more difficult to be on the other side when everyone around you who may have an idea of the situation constantly tells me how I should live my life. That he never loved me….he never cared.
I do not in my heart believe that. I think he loved me….he just didn’t know HOW. Handling this situation alone has been very difficult. In part because I do still love him so much…and I want to see him well. But I don’t know where to begin to help him…
I just want him to know he’s not alone.