{turning over a new leaf}

Clearly it didn’t work with this last one. I wouldn’t say it’s my fault at all….I did everything I was supposed to do. I took care of house and home. I made sure you were fed when you were hungry and when you were not hungry.

I noticed a pattern of destruction late October. You changed.

You no longer wanted to stay home in the evening; I could never get you to go anywhere with me. It was always a hassle. Far and few in between would there be any intimacy. I began to question if you were seeing someone else (which would be par for the course considering your past, a past I made the active decision to leave just there…in the past because I certainly have my own)

You denied it.

Yet about a week later you began to not come home at all and wouldn’t answer the phone at night when I would call. Clear cut signs of a cheater. I wasn’t born yesterday as you might think. When you finally said what was going on, you said it was a drug habit.

I can see that; the weight you’ve lost and the loss of appetite and lack of physical grooming backed that claim up.

So I began to worry. I then began to worry about your well being more than anything. Damn the thoughts of you cheating, I was worried about your health.

Well played diversion.

Fast forward to this weekend when I found an empty bottle that fell out of one of your pockets as I threw your clothes on the bed in a fit of packing your shit to move out.  A huge EMPTY bottle that was filled just on November 29th 2013. Just a week and some change before. Not only that, there was a crumpled receipt on the dresser. One from a local drugstore that ironically is located about three minutes from the address I would find to be of the original owner of the pill bottle. Property tax records will tell you all kinds of stuff I tell you…

There was a name on this bottle. A woman’s name. Of course I took the next step, I put her name into a Google search. The find was astounding…not only is this woman a repeat offender of larceny, she has violated a court ordered domestic protection order, was just arrested a couple of months ago for a felony possession of schedule II drugs and obtaining property on false pretenses (that has happened a few times before too).

You left me, Holly homemaker for a druggie thief?

That says a lot about your own personal standards because I am a good woman. A DAMN good woman of who was ready to take the world for a ride with you….a good ride.

Then you had her bring you to my home, a home WE shared and you had the audacity to ask me not to walk out for a couple of minutes? I knew at that point it was because there was someone down there that you didn’t want me to see. I simply asked you, who is she? You had a woman bring you here? And your response? You grabbed me and looked me in the eye and said you loved me.

Over and over.

Lies. All lies.

I’ve cried damn near every night you’ve been gone. First because I was scared I’d read in the local news of a fatality involving you. Then once I realized you possibly not only have a drug addiction but you’ve officially left me for another woman I cried because I was depressed. I have become severely depressed on the premise that so called best friends when reached out to for help haven’t been there. Depressed because I thought you would be the last man I would ever love passionately. Depressed because once again, I was left for the woman who wouldn’t do nearly what I would for a man.

Depressed because I loved you….and still do. Yet I know we will never be…

The depression of what has really happened has set in…Last night, I cried. I cried myself to sleep. Tears burning my cheeks, staining the pillow case burning holes one by one.

No more will I cry for you or any other man.

I will now turn over a new leaf. One that can’t be broken…one that can’t be blown away with one simple sigh. I am ridding myself of heartache that I have endured so many times over and over. It is now time for a little self healing; time to make mends with my heart…a muscle I have tortured in the past month and a half trying to keep it together with hopes that you and I truly would be forever.

You and I will truly be never instead.

2 thoughts on “{turning over a new leaf}

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