{New York City…here I come!}

I need change.

We all need change….

Right?

I have since contacted a very good friend of mine who lives in Manhattan…and works there on Fifth Avenue. A friend who is going to ask around and diligently find me a job. A job in the city that took my heart and held on to it since the tender age of 5…when I first announced I was going to move to New York. Almost 25 years later, the dream is starting to come true.

In the recent turn of events in my life, change is highly welcomed.

An opportunity to start all over…with new beginnings.

Fingers are crossed, rabbits foot is hanging and every other good luck tool is going to be utilized in the near future to make sure it happens!

 

{turning over a new leaf}

Clearly it didn’t work with this last one. I wouldn’t say it’s my fault at all….I did everything I was supposed to do. I took care of house and home. I made sure you were fed when you were hungry and when you were not hungry.

I noticed a pattern of destruction late October. You changed.

You no longer wanted to stay home in the evening; I could never get you to go anywhere with me. It was always a hassle. Far and few in between would there be any intimacy. I began to question if you were seeing someone else (which would be par for the course considering your past, a past I made the active decision to leave just there…in the past because I certainly have my own)

You denied it.

Yet about a week later you began to not come home at all and wouldn’t answer the phone at night when I would call. Clear cut signs of a cheater. I wasn’t born yesterday as you might think. When you finally said what was going on, you said it was a drug habit.

I can see that; the weight you’ve lost and the loss of appetite and lack of physical grooming backed that claim up.

So I began to worry. I then began to worry about your well being more than anything. Damn the thoughts of you cheating, I was worried about your health.

Well played diversion.

Fast forward to this weekend when I found an empty bottle that fell out of one of your pockets as I threw your clothes on the bed in a fit of packing your shit to move out.  A huge EMPTY bottle that was filled just on November 29th 2013. Just a week and some change before. Not only that, there was a crumpled receipt on the dresser. One from a local drugstore that ironically is located about three minutes from the address I would find to be of the original owner of the pill bottle. Property tax records will tell you all kinds of stuff I tell you…

There was a name on this bottle. A woman’s name. Of course I took the next step, I put her name into a Google search. The find was astounding…not only is this woman a repeat offender of larceny, she has violated a court ordered domestic protection order, was just arrested a couple of months ago for a felony possession of schedule II drugs and obtaining property on false pretenses (that has happened a few times before too).

You left me, Holly homemaker for a druggie thief?

That says a lot about your own personal standards because I am a good woman. A DAMN good woman of who was ready to take the world for a ride with you….a good ride.

Then you had her bring you to my home, a home WE shared and you had the audacity to ask me not to walk out for a couple of minutes? I knew at that point it was because there was someone down there that you didn’t want me to see. I simply asked you, who is she? You had a woman bring you here? And your response? You grabbed me and looked me in the eye and said you loved me.

Over and over.

Lies. All lies.

I’ve cried damn near every night you’ve been gone. First because I was scared I’d read in the local news of a fatality involving you. Then once I realized you possibly not only have a drug addiction but you’ve officially left me for another woman I cried because I was depressed. I have become severely depressed on the premise that so called best friends when reached out to for help haven’t been there. Depressed because I thought you would be the last man I would ever love passionately. Depressed because once again, I was left for the woman who wouldn’t do nearly what I would for a man.

Depressed because I loved you….and still do. Yet I know we will never be…

The depression of what has really happened has set in…Last night, I cried. I cried myself to sleep. Tears burning my cheeks, staining the pillow case burning holes one by one.

No more will I cry for you or any other man.

I will now turn over a new leaf. One that can’t be broken…one that can’t be blown away with one simple sigh. I am ridding myself of heartache that I have endured so many times over and over. It is now time for a little self healing; time to make mends with my heart…a muscle I have tortured in the past month and a half trying to keep it together with hopes that you and I truly would be forever.

You and I will truly be never instead.

I loved you.

I never tried to change you.

My intentions were not to change you, but to maybe attempt to fulfill something that was obviously missing in your life.

Love. I don’t mean lust, I mean love. A real love. We were an unconventional pair; a duo that wasn’t supposed to happen according to life’s standards. For a very long time we defied the odds. We were happy.

Or maybe *I* was delusional. I knew your history but chose to put that behind as we all have some kind of a history as a human being. I chose not to dwell on the past and move forward with the future. I made the conscious decision to trust you. To believe in you…to believe in us. A fairy tale that seemingly headed in the right direction until reality hit.

Reality hit that you are a user. You are a user of all sorts. You are a user of things and people. You sucked the life out of me towards the end. You’ve made me feel like a complete and utter failure. You took my heart and threw it in a blender, turned it on high and added the turbo power for the extra boost of cruelty.

You are heartless and only about your own self gratification. I played into it and believed every stupid word you said. I never wish any ill will on anyone, however I hope you the best of luck in your future endeavors. Because clearly I am not the person that you need or who you want.

I loved the shit out of you…I loved everything about you.

I am beginning to despise you. Men like you are the reason why women have trust issues…even in the event of pushing aside whatever you might’ve done in your past as I have a past too.

With that I throw the middle finger in the air and proudly say FUCK YOU. Fuck you for making me believe you actually loved me. For making me believe you gave a damn about me and my well being.

{Shrimp papardelle} Simply delish. Simply simple.

 

 

½ quart heavy cream

3 tablespoons salted European style butter

3 hefty tablespoons of pesto sauce

1 ½ cup grated mozzarella cheese

1 package Papardelle pasta nests

1 pound deveined and peeled shrimp

2 tablespoons roasted red peppers

1 tsp garlic salt to taste

 

 

Salt and boil your water for the noodles.

 

In a saucepan, pour heavy cream in and cook on medium high. Add in your butter until it has melted. Once the mixture is hot, not boiling but hot, add in your cheese. With a whisk, continue to stir the cheese in without letting it stick to the bottom.

 

Reduce your heat to Medium and keep stirring until there is no longer a single thick string of cheese when you lift the whisk. The mixture should be very creamy. Add your pesto sauce and garlic salt. Continue to whisk.

 

While this is simmering on low, sautee your shrimp with a little olive oil and old bay seasoning. When the water for the noodles comes to a rolling boil, drop in about six nests of papardelle pasta. Continue to stir for about 8 minutes or so or when it’s al dente.

 

Remove your pasta and drain the water; return the pasta to the pot it was boiling in. Pour the pesto cream sauce over the pasta. Stir in the roasted red peppers and shrimp.

 

Voila!