My feelings = Your playground

I really wish I could write everything that I am feeling here. Here and unsolicited with no consequences for giving out real names.

The fact of the matter is, my thoughts, feelings and emotions are such a jumbled mess overall that it is impossible to convey them all into words on here.

And on top of things, it is well known that I am an emotional train wreck at times. When we have those things called “friends”, we like to hold on to them. We like for them to reciprocate the love attention we might put into them. When the feeling is not mutual, one or both of the parties will eventually part to nothingness. I’ve learned over the years that I do not really have any close girlfriends now who would willingly reciprocate such emotions. I did have a girlfriend who I considered to be closer than family…of course, the tides changed when she met a dude and has been caught up in a whirlwind romance with him. You see, he verbalized his distaste for me and the situation I was in a few months ago…to her. One of my three best friends.

You know what happened? She told me about him not wanting her to be around me…and she listened. A girl I’ve known for damn near twenty years decided it was best to part ways and listen to what a man was saying to her..a man that she had only known for roughly seven months. SEVEN MONTHS.

The power of penis I guess?

Granted, her defense was she vocalized her displeasure with the situation I was in because she was looking out for my well being; being a friend. I am okay with that when you tell me, let me react and then it’s never brought back up again. However, the problem became I was alienated from all activities that were happening at my other best friends’ house. A best friend who I had known for about 8 years or so. A friend that I introduced to the 20 year friend about a year ago. All of a sudden friend one and friend two and their boyfriends were ALWAYS doing stuff together…all people that met through me.

But I knew nothing about it. The distance continued to grow and grow and finally she sent me a message through Facebook…of all things, FACEBOOK. In her message, she was basically asking where it all went wrong and that she didn’t know what happened. Well, I took it upon myself to let her know what went wrong. Nicely of course.

Well evidently she didn’t like it. She continued to rehash the SAME DAMN OLD ISSUE FROM BEFORE. So I kindly asked her to stop talking about it, that the issue was done and over and resolved and that I am a big girl and can handle my own life. She ended up sending me a message, a very nasty message laced with eloquently put curse words.

Was that supposed to get my attention? Um. Right. It took everything in my power not to drive over to her place and let her and her controlling, demeaning OLD ASS boyfriend have a piece of my mind.

Long story short, since that happening, friend two of 8 years and her boyfriend were oftentimes invited over to my house for dinner, drinks..whatever. Some bonding time. However, there was ALWAYS an excuse as to why they couldn’t make it. It was always more or less that the other two (friend one and her boyfriend) were on their way over or were already there. So of course, I stopped inviting them.

So this weekend was the icing on the cake. I’m home, and have to make a run to my moms house which means I have to basically ride by friend two’s house.

Not that it was any of my business, but for her to be sick and not want to be bothered by anyone, there were an awful lot of people at her place. When I rode back by, there were still a good amount of people at her house.

Coincidence? I think not…espcecially given how she and I talked about the alienation and how much it seems like since these two arrived in town (my used to be friend of twenty or so years and her boyfriend) and all that crazy shit went down, I have been grossly left out. All I’ve requested is a little bit of time. That’s all.

But I can’t even get that much from a “friend”. Just like any other relationship, a friendship is a two-way street where both and all parties involved should take initiative to talk to the other. My feelings evidently are the playground of these people. These very emotionally selfish people…

Or is it me?

I take some fault in it, but considering I continually kept my doors open to friend two and kept inviting her and her boyfriend to things to get NOTHING at all but excuse after excuse, it’s hard to take that much blame.

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