Stop blaming the government.

So a great deal of you continue to blame the government for leeches mooching off the public assistance; however, do you all forget these people should be held somewhat accountable?

People lie. You and I both know this. That said, how do we expect the government to monitor every single person on public assistance? We can’t. The government provides assistance based on what an individual tells them. So if that woman or man who is receiving housing, energy, food and childcare assistance and is only reporting the minimum income, how is the government to know when to cut them off?

They don’t ….

Government programs are to benefit people who are going through hard times or need a jump start to start over to better their lives, not as a reliant support system for all eternity.

I do believe there should be a cap on HOW LONG one can receive ANY kind of public assistance. I do not think there should be income requirements in emergency situations either. ANYONE can fall on hard times …

People, take RESPONSIBILITY!

…a bad feeling

It is truly a bad feeling to be the woman consistently told that your damn near perfect but NO ONE actually wants you…

It’s like everyone wants you but no one really wants you.

And that sucks.

Unrequited emotions are the emotional downfall of a great deal of people. We like to pretend it doesn’t affect us, but that could not be more wrong….

Eye had a dream.

Monday night as I was wrapped up tightly in my blanket, trying not to let any of my natural body heat escape I left. I left North Carolina in my slumber and awakened to my feet firmly placed upon the cold concrete of the city that holds my heart so close and dear; New York City.

In my dream I was walking…walking down the busy streets of New York watching the hustle and bustle of everyone around me. Marvelling the sight of the iconic yellow cabs whipping and whirling all around me. Soaking in every honk of the horns of the ever so impatient travellers and each siren blaring in a rush to assist whatever person is in need of help.

I stood. I stood in the middle of the sidewalk with my eyes shut. My eyes shut hoping and praying indeed, this is not a dream. I dug my right hand deep into my wool coat pocket to feel for keys…I wrestled with car keys, loose change and a cell phone to find a key. A single gold key to a residence I assumed. I turned to my left and looked and there was an apartment building. A beautiful brick and mortar apartment building of towering stature. An inviting building of which was my residence. My home. I pulled the key out of my pocket and firmly placed it in my palm, holding onto it with no intentions of letting go. I barreled through the glass doors of the building stepped to the front desk and requested my residence information with of course the proper identification. I was pointed to an elevator and hopped on. I rode the shaky elevator to a floor unknown. I got off the elevator and strategically inserted that gold key which was now the same temperature as my body due to the tight grip I had upon it for the entire trip up to the apartment floor, into a door. I don’t remember the door number or letter or any of those details, but I do remember the hallway being beautifully lit. It was very comfortable natural lighting in the hallway. I stepped to a tall dark cherry wood door. Just the door alone commanded respect and possessed a presence that was a force to be reckoned with. I turned the key and swung the door open gently to see a sparsely furnished apartment. It was an older apartment but full of potential. There were toys in the living room on the couch, presumably my little one’s toys. On the couch was a sleeping person….my daughter. I walked past her to the window…a large looming window with no curtains and no blinds. I stood there for a minute, looked down and saw the cars driving at a crawling speed due to the impending congestion. I listened for the honking horns and the blaring sirens and actually began to feel a little sick on my stomach when I realized just how high I was up. That was the point when my alarm awakened me and I realized I was not where I wanted to be; still here in the cool Carolina winter air, with a sleeping beauty next to me. It was indeed a dream…a dream I didn’t want to wake from. A dream that I will make a reality one day.

A struggle.

It is a struggle daily for me now to really be happy. I mean solidly happy with no issues at all.

I guess no one can really acheive that right?

I am not where I want to be financially or in the realm of relationships. It’s general knowledge that if you don’t make yourself happy you can’t make anyone else happy…I agree to an extent. I am much happier when I am afforded the opportunity to make someone else happy too. Theraputic at best for me to make someone else happy…which in turn makes me happy. Crazy I know.

But whatever.

{Failure. is. an. option.}

I wish now I could turn back the hands of time and been more mature in my early twenties. If I could do that, I wouldn’t be in the predicament I am currently in. I can’t get a new job, I can’t do what I want to do as a job without a damn piece of paper saying that I know what I am talking about. Seriously though….education is such a waste of time and money.

I unfortunately am not one of the smart people who is so brilliant that I can pick up any kind of trade, do it super well and be financially comfortable. I am word smart yes, but that’s it. Five years government employee experience? That means nothing in the realm of the job market. I would’ve been a senior after this semester but of course because I decided to screw up my first two years I am now paying for it.

The past couple of semesters that I was enrolled at school I was eligible for financial aid….aid enough to help me pay for school and whatever supplies I would need for school (Travel, electronics whatever was needed…that hour and a half drive to school sometimes sucks….) However, I was also trying to study on my own for the most part and of course be the single mom. 2011 was the last year I attended school and I performed fairly well during that year up until the fall semester. I was going through some serious relationship downs and of course trying to focus on my daughters schooling too. Trying to mold her study skills into a solid foundation.

Of course that meant that my education took a slight hit in the worst way possible. I can’t move up in my job, there’s no possibility in sight of anything opening up and forget people who SAY they’ll help me get on board with something much better. All of you who have EVER said that are full of shit. FULL OF SHIT. I don’t mind working hard as that is what will make me appreciate all that I ever receive but am I really supposed to lose my grounding in the process of working my way up? How can you work your way up anywhere when one will constantly pay for mistakes made years before? Now, because of my screw ups in my grades, I am no longer eligible for a financial appeal…the time I need it most to come through. My hands are completely tied and I do not know what to do. Taking out a loan is NOT an option as my debt to income ratio will prevent that.

Stumbling block after stumbling block I elect to give up. I should probably quit my job, let my car get repossessed and live off the government like a great deal of people I know. They are living a much cushier life than I am right now and have the ability to stay home, finish school and then of course be a hell of a lot more successful than I EVER will be.

Failure is clearly an option for me….

Thank you for nothing Wake County.

Dear Wake County Public Schools,

I despise you. I strongly dislike everything you represent and how you so ineffectively run this school system. For two years my child’s base school was almost at the Durham county line when there were still THREE elementary schools within a TWO mile radius. This base school is also a year round school… I understand your need to force people to diversify or whatever you feel the need to bus children all over the county, but know that by providing fewer options for base schools with provided transportation, you’re putting a good deal of us working class parents in such a financial crunch, we won’t even be able to survive. Then you’ll want to report us for child neglect because we can’t feed and clothe them. We were so happy when in fact this year A was able to ride the bus home…a savings to my pocket that has been greatly appreciated. Now what the hell am I supposed to do along with all of the other parents in my neighborhood who have elected to send their children to neighborhood schools?

Please do tell us, as parents what exactly was wrong with the way you all did it this year with the option of schools that are closer to home? Now, instead of being able to switch my schedule around to get off in time to get my child off the school bus, I will now have to fork out an insane amount of money for after school because I will not be have that extra time cushion in the afternoon for her to ride the bus. Clearly my job isn’t willing to change back to a work schedule where I can come in super early and leave by 3:30. I am certainly not the only parent who strongly disagrees with this position you all are taking on our children. Leave options open! I do not want to have to send my daughter 14-17 minutes away from school when there is a school within a five minute driving distance. I will be passing THREE schools on my way to her school if indeed I decided to send her across the world for
the sake of you all creating diversity.

Wake county public schools, you’re a laughing stock in the nation. Get it together