Not sad now. More angry.

They say it gets easier every day. It’s not any easier. It’s harder. It’s harder each year that goes by and you’re gone with no possibility of you ever coming back. I will never have the opportunity to hear your voice again. I will never have the opportunity to feel your touch, to hear your laughter, to see your smile. You left this world far too soon and it saddens me still. It’s been almost eight years and yet I cannot forget you.

However, I sometimes forget what you sound like. It’s so damned heartbreaking Michael. There are times when I sit in my room alone and cry. I cry because I miss you. I cry because I am angry with you. Wasn’t there some OTHER choice rather than your life? I am angry that I loved you so much and that the last thing I said to you was to have a nice life without me. That is a day I will NEVER forget. You called me up to tell me that your girlfriend didn’t want you talking to me ever again because of our history. I was dating someone else just as you were.

You were my best friend.

After we got off the phone I cried. I cried because my best friend wouldn’t talk to me anymore because of a woman who he had just finished stressing himself out over and complaining to me and his mother about. So what did I do? Oh naturally I called your mom and talked to her for a while. She said she told you that you shouldn’t cut me off…that it might be a bad decision.

God I wish you would’ve listened. WHY WERE YOU SO HARD HEADED? Michael it wasn’t that serious.

I was there for you…

At the time I was pregnant and alone. My grandmother had also just come out of two back to back brain surgeries at Pitt Memorial Hospital due to a car accident she was in months before. My boyfriend at the time didn’t want anything to do with myself or his unborn child. I couldn’t talk to either person I wanted to talk to most; you or my grandmother. I was very depressed and wanted you to hold me so badly. I wanted you to tell me it would be okay. I wanted you to run your fingers through my hair like you had so many times before and place a soft kiss upon my forehead and reassure me everything would work out in the end.

When I told you I was pregnant I could feel your hurt. I felt it through the phone…I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it would’ve broken you. And I think to an extent, it did. For that, I am sorry.

My cousin just said to me last night the reason for you coming into my life and loving me was to show me in the future how I SHOULD be treated. I love you so much….I miss you and I am so mad at you. I would give damn near anything just to hear your voice one more time. One more time.

I think that’s why when I do meet a guy I am seriously into (whether they know it or not) I want to hold on to them and learn to love them.

I don’t want to go through that kind of hurt again and want to feel that kind of love all over again…

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