I apologize.

I apologize for being so forthcoming; for being what did I say?

Bold.

Although reassured by a few of my guy friends that boldness in a woman is good, I am not so sure they were right. I would think it would be good to an extent. I don’t mean bold as in grabbing a guy’s package in the middle of a bar just because he might’ve been standing next to you and you wanted to do it. I mean bold as in being the initiator in an attempt at getting to know someone.

When the guy doesn’t initiate any of these gestures of interest in a woman, it does something to a woman’s self-esteem.

I’ve been rejected before, yes. I’ve had my feelings hurt from time to time, so I know how to deal with that. There’s just something about this go round that’s pressing on my nerves. And I know what it is.

For the first time in a long time, I decided to go about making an attempt at the dating field in a way that I hadn’t in a long time. With zero intimacy. I also don’t usually go after a guy that I want, because that confidence hasn’t always been there. I just stumbled upon who I really am not too long ago. I learned that I am a beautiful woman inside and out and that I have a great deal to offer in a future relationship. That said, I tried. And I tried hard. Probably too hard…

My ego and confidence has been burned a bit because I figured I was doing this the right way. Zero pressure, just casual hanging out. Learning about one another.

Seeing if there is indeed any chemistry beyond the obvious physical attractions. I figured that maybe, just maybe this guy would be as interested in me as I was in him. I wasn’t trying to take him completely off the radar. I wasn’t trying to jump down to the courthouse and get married. Hell, I wasn’t trying to let him meet my child as anything but a friend.

I, unlike many women, have the personal stability to go somewhere with my man and enjoy women eye balling him. That is an ego booster for myself. When that happens, I would of course smile back knowing that this guy is interested solely in me. That these other women can look all they’d like, because if I were them, I’d look too. However, the kicker would be, he’s going home with none other than me. At the very least, I was hoping for the opportunity to show off that skill…

I have that confidence that I can take care of home and please my man in every way possible. I don’t mind. I would love to see his happiness radiate every time we come together…

So with that, I apologize to myself first of all for being so optimistic. I apologize to him for seemingly wasting his time…

I feel so much better letting this all off my breast.

2 thoughts on “I apologize.

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