Music. Love. Child.

I am the first to admit that I absolutely adore the talent of any true singer. A musician. I am also a sucker for a guy who can sing or a woman who can seriously carry a tune and evoke fireworks of emotions within.

However, in this day in time, we are severely lacking in the talent pool. Auto-tune has all but slaughtered the music industry. Singers no longer need to be able to sing and there is a plethora of bad singing auditioning shows out now that forecast the next big singer. Only, the next big singer on these shows are the next big singer for the moment.

There used to be tools like StarSearch that were fairly legit. And of course, that was pretty much the only show of its kind at the time. Now we have a next singer search overload.

It needs to be put to rest.

Now.

There is a lot of talent out there that deserves some kind of recognition beyond that found on these horribly scripted reality pieces of crap that we are forcibly subjected to on almost a daily basis. We need to start supporting our local performers and get their names out there. People here in the RDU triangle area are constantly talking about how we don’t support an environment rich in music and just the arts in general. We will never be known on the map of anywhere until we back our artist. They shouldn’t have to be like J. Cole and move to NY to make it. We should be able to have our artist make it HERE. Here at home….

There was a time when we used to be children.

….does anyone else remember the Gideon Bibles that were passed out in elementary school? I distinctly remember receiving one at Edgewood Elementary in the third grade…

I also remember singing ‘My Country ‘Tis of Thee’ and praying in a line in kindergarten before we ate breakfast. I also remember the hanging paddle by the door of my kindergarten class…as a warning not to misbehave. I remember pulling out my mat and taking a nap next to my best friend at the time and anxiously awaiting recess to go outside and play dodgeball…

Oh, how the times have changed.

There was once a time when people were not afraid to pray openly in schools. There was a time when it was known that if a child misbehaved in school, the paddle would be brought out and parents would be called or sent a note home. This is when it was okay for a village to help raise a child. Proving the old proverb to be fairly accurate. I am a proponent for discipline in schools. Of course not beating children, but the paddling we and our parents received didn’t kill any of us and I think helped mold some of the best individuals insofar.

I don’t remember any of my classmates being on drugs for ADHD, we were just being children.

How did they solve the hyperactivity? They let us play and take naps. We were once allowed to be children. Our country is raising a bunch of heathens who do not respect any form of authority and are all jacked up on Ritalin and other drugs to help with their “hyperactivity”.

I just wish things would move a little closer to the way they used to be in terms of schooling…

i’m afraid.

There is something about you; something has charmed me. No, it’s not your manly good looks, it’s not your megawatt smile…your personality plays a huge role in it, but still, there’s something else.

Something else I cannot quite put my finger on. You’re enchanting and much like myself in so many ways. Maybe now, I can give you my little hand written note that I’ve been carrying around in my purse for the past month. Maybe I do have the guts to do so now…

There’s only one problem:

I admitted to you that I thought I wasn’t good enough.

Big mistake. That’s something no woman should ever say to a man.

It’s not that I thought I wasn’t good enough per se, but that I wasn’t sure if I was holding your attention like you were holding mine. I am good enough, if not great, I just said it all wrong.

However, I will not speak any negatives about it. Some say you shouldn’t be too optimistic about potential relationships because of the disappointments that could happen, or that the other person might not reciprocate the feelings and emotions you put out.

But that could happen in ANY relationship.

I wanted it, I am going for it…..

why not?

Enter Title Here…it says.

I am thinking maybe I should write an entry on how I truly feel. Writing my inside emotions might be what I need to do. Therapeutic if you will.

Family means everything to me, and right now, my family is a bit broken. I fear the only time the group of us will be together like we used to will be at a funeral. That is not the only time family should get together and celebrate one another. I have had my differences with my mothers other child, however, she won’t even allow her daughter to spend any time with my child. Just because I personally don’t agree with the way you live your life and how you treat others, doesn’t have any effect on children enjoying one another. It’s so sad. My child longs for her little cousin to come stay with her and play with her but she can’t. She can’t because her mother will not allow it.

Let me set the story very straight here because there’s been a lot of speculation as to what has happened and why things are the way they are. Nearly two years ago, May 25, 2011 my mothers other daughter basically in a nutshell assaulted me. Now keep in mind, she’s a bit of a habitual assaulter on people. Anyway, her reasoning? She was mad that I was helping her EX move out of our mother’s house. Earlier in that day she was angered because she logged into HIS Facebook page and saw a message between he and my best friend. Nothing serious, all play play innocent. I saw the message. The basis behind it was he had no friends up here, was isolated at my mom’s house all the time so he started hanging out at my apartment. My girlfriend and I and he would sit and watch movies…and just hang out. Innocent hanging out. He and I basically would torture her by playing horror movies that we knew she didn’t like and of course laugh at her fear of the movies. Now let me casually interject that she, my mother’s other child, would go across the parking lot to visit her friend, but would never step foot into my place to visit myself and my child. Fast forward:

They hadn’t been dating for a while and he was tired of all of the BS surrounding that living arrangement. I took him to go get his things from my mom’s house and was going to take him back home. We get there, she pulls up with my niece in the car and a friend of hers in the front seat and starts banging on my window of my car. Yeah, I was getting a bit angry at this point. I got out of the car, he heard the commotion came running over, stood between the two of us and she of course sucker punched me in my left eye. Now at this point, there were a lot of words exchanged and she hit me as HE stood between us.

Punk move I’d say.

But whatever.

I was in shock. In shock that this grown person has hit me in my eye for no apparent reason. Because you’re mad? I didn’t hit her back. I am much smarter than that. I value my job and having my daughter so I did what any other victim would do, I called the police. My mother of course begged me not to…she said that I should be thinking about my niece. What I tried to convey to my mother at that point was that obviously she wasn’t thinking of her daughter (my niece) when she brought her to the house with all intentions of fighting someone. I didn’t talk to my mother for a very long time after that…because she wasn’t listening to me. I called the police and of course pressed charges because unlike myself, she is going to assault the wrong person and she may end up seriously injured or worse yet, dead. I was seeking some kind of help for her because obviously she needs it. Her reasoning though for still not allowing me to see my niece?

I “hooked” her ex up with my best friend. Um, seriously. No I didn’t. They’re grown and so is she. People can date whoever they want. She presented the question of what would I do if she “hooked” one of her best friends with my little girls Dad. My answer?

Go ahead…that means he wont’ be bothering me. 🙂

So to those of you who know all of us now know why I have no contact with her, will have no contact and have no intentions of ever having any with her. Never have I said to my child she couldn’t be around that “female”. My child cannot go anywhere with her, but at a neutral spot like my mother’s house, I really don’t care. She has stated on numerous occasions that she doesn’t want her daughter around me at all. Even though I’ve never so much as laid a hand on my niece in any form.

Oh and by the way, she also seems to like to put into people’s heads that I am dating him or have dated him. Her ex. Um, no. If you really know me, you’d know that’s a boundary I would NEVER cross.

Again, whatever. Maybe one day she’ll grow up and see her fault in this whole situation. I’ll have to continue the rest of the story later.

{a blustery rainy day in the City of Oaks}

 think today is Tuesday. I am not terribly sure; sad, I know. My days are all a jumbled mess of crossing hours, minutes and seconds. I am having a very difficult time telling the difference between each day as they all pass so excruciatingly fast. As I get older, life flies by in lightning fast speed. I sit at my desk and wander aimlessly through my mind outside. Outside the glass window that separates me from the rest of the world. I long to be outside. Not exactly doing anything in particular, just free. Free of any care of the world. Free of any worries. Free from stress.

The sun was briefly peeping through the clouds this morning, just enough to tease our senses and offer up a glimpse of the coming sunny days. Today is a rainy day for more than one reasons for me. The manner in which the sun plays hide and go seek with the clouds is the way hope plays hide and go seek in my life.

Some days I feel helpless. Helpless to the point of pulling my hair out. Self loathing. It’s not unusual to feel like I’ve hit straight rock bottom, only to find that something else is peeking over the horizon to completely throw me off balance into the throngs of potential depression. I am generally a very happy and upbeat person, but there are just some days like these, blustery rainy days in the City of Oaks that just evoke such feelings of unhappiness and despair.

I am kind of sad right now. Kind of really sad actually and I don’t know how to fix it…

the other woman. the other man.

As I sit at my desk, sipping on my bubbly (not champagne, what the Dr. ordered…Pepper that is.), I got to thinking. I began to think about something that happens more frequently than not and ususally the wrong person is blamed for it.

The other woman.

It’s a sad time when a man (or a woman for that matter) would rather step out on their relationship rather than just ending it. This is a situation that I unfortunately know of…

Truthfully, the person being cheated on shouldn’t get too angry at the person that is on the “side” if that person honestly didn’t know about the permanent person. I can honestly say I have been on both sides. I was the one who was cheated on and was told out of the girls mouth that she knew about me. Now in that instance, I feel like I had every right to be pissed off at both him and her. They both acknowledged the fact that I was indeed in existence. I was in a relationship with this guy and yet they both decided to carry on a relationship.

Nice.

Now me being on the other end, yeah. That sucked pretty bad. This guy, who shall remain nameless, I trusted pretty deeply. This little dance we did didn’t last long. Don’t worry. Now of course, he SAID he was single, and there were no signs of him being in a relationship with anyone. When questioned, the answer I received was none other than the infamous, “No, I am not in a relationship with anyone right now. I am casually dating.”

Okay, now when I say this to someone it means, “No, I am not committed to one person, I am going on dates with possibly more than one but not necessarily sleeping with any of them. Just dating to figure out who may be a good partner.” Not, “I am in a relationship with someone right now, but I chose not to tell you about it because I’d like to jump in your pants for a while…” Now, I trusted my gut after phone calls wouldn’t be returned and I would only receive text messages. Of course, I did some research.

There was a girlfriend. Of course. Duh. Well, that was cut off shortly thereafter as I refuse to be the “other woman” When questioned, I still received the same. response. as. before.

Give it up dude, make your choice but I won’t be one of the two.

Lesson learned.

That said, in my personal and humble opinion, unless two of the parties (the cheaters we’ll say) know about the one who is being victimized, then there’s no need for the victim to get too angry with the other woman or man..

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, get out of it. Don’t lie to someone else and break not one, but two hearts at once.

{on the flipside.}

To the guy who thought it was ok to whisper sweet nothings to me for the sole purpose of trying to land me in the sack, I want to thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes to the dishonest and carnal ways of the general male population. Because of you, I probably won’t fall for it again.

Of course this is not in regards to any particular person, so people reading this if you know me personally and you THINK for one second it is about you, then maybe it is. Maybe there is something that you are also doing to women that you should change.

Contrary to belief, I am NOT desperate to be with a man. If I was such, then it wouldn’t matter who I was with as long as I was with someone. I have standards and moral values. Just because I might mention my exceptional qualities that would make me an amazing life partner, doesn’t mean I am lurking for a man. I’m just advertising my heart and intentions a little bit. If you don’t put out some kind of bait, how the hell do you expect to catch any fish in this sea of love?

Right now, I am more or less single by CHOICE. I enjoy having my freedom to go and do as I please without having to answer to some insecure man who constantly needs to know where I am and what I am doing. I don’t believe in cheating so that should erase any of those complications.

Now if the right one comes along and grabs my attention and treats me like a lady should be treated, then so be it. I think you’ll be rather pleased by the way I handle my relationship with a man. Not a boy. A man.

Yes, and to you men who expect your girl to be a “dime”, stop going for those girls. Go for a bonafide woman who will provide in more ways than one. Remember, we all get old and looks fade where love will stay. Most times those “ultra fine, gotta have every inch of her” kind of women are also the ones  who have the most skeletons in her closet and will continue to rattle those skeletons throughout your relationship.

I’m about to go on a whole ‘nother tangent now.

To you bougie females who sit back and smile in my face and once I turn my back, you all can kindly place your overly plumped lips on my very pale hiney and smooch it. Get really familiar with it because I truly do not care what any of you think of me any longer. I started out in a school that clearly had its separations yes, but ended up in a high school that was more of a fashion show than it was an educational institution. I had never in my life seen so many young girls strutting around like their shit smelled like rose water rather than the defecation it really was. Sadly, a good portion of these “girls” are still exactly that. Girls. I personally have never understood the bougieness of females. Touche. I guess that’s partially because I was raised in a family that overall had access to some of the finer things in life. So when I do make it, and make it big, I won’t need to have the big expensive home, the flashy expensive car, the flashy expensive designer clothes and shoes. None of that stuff matters after a certain point.

Believe me when I get there, you all won’t see it flashed around in pictures like a great deal of the people who currently reside on my facebook home page.

Ok, I’m done.

Attitude shall be put in check momentarily. For now, enjoy the ride.