Politics: I hate you.

An amazing way to divide a country already divided is to add politics to the soup. I personally vote as a Democrat because that’s how I was raised. Now, don’t get me wrong…my grandmother is a lover of both Bush presidents. Me, I don’t really care either way.

However what I will say is that it is the most irritating thing to try to have a civilised conversation with an ultra conservative Republican. These are the most judgmental and I hate to say, gullible people. Or at least most that I know are like this…

But again this is my personal opinion. Case in point, the picture that has circulated the Internet since dinosaurs walked the planet of Barack Obama and others standing in front of a flag and three out of the four have their hands on their heart presumably while the national anthem is being sung and one of them is not even facing in the same direction. Barack Obama happens to be the one without his hand over his heart. Woop de doo. Last I checked, you don’t HAVE to put your hand over your heart for the singing of the Star Spangled Banner in any capacity. What I have always been taught is that you are supposed to do this during the Pledge of Allegiance.

Again, I could be wrong.

I like to know the facts of both contenders before making any sound decision. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, I have just simply noticed Republicans are very quick to make uninformed finger pointing comments without fully researching. Not all Republicans, not all conservatives. There are some very uninformed Democrats out here too…I won’t even touch on those fools today. This blog is not about them. People have got to stop allowing the media and what it pushes into the spotlight dictate everything they do.

I will not apologize for my views or for what I have said as those are my opinions. If you don’t like it then oh well.

Touche.

{what it really means.}

That one little gesture meant so much to me…but what did it REALLY mean to you? Is it a signal for wanting to see or get to know more of me? Or something you just do to appease the masses…

I guess time will tell right? I’d surely like to know.

I want to know what it is you think of when I come to mind. It’s been a short time…but something just resonates “right” with me…

And I don’t know why.

But I like it.

I don’t think you can ever put a time stamp on anything. It just kind of happens…right? This is just kind of happening and I am rolling with it…rolling with it because it makes me happy.

O_o Family {optional.}

I grew up primarily with my mom and my grandmother. I didn’t grow up in the typical nuclear family with my biological Dad and my mom. I lived half my life with my mom’s mom. My maternal grandmother. My second mother. I was always very envious as a child of the children in my classes who had both parents in the home. My Dad was living in New Jersey with his new wife and his new son. My mother by this time had a second child.

I was replaced two times over. And it hurt.

I wanted to badly to be an only child and hoped that one day my parents would get back together and have a sibling for me. A biological sibling. Not a half sibling. A real sibling. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother to pieces, but it’s not quite the same. I do not have a relationship at all with my sister because I do not agree with her hostile disposition or damn near anything dealing with her. But that’s another blog.

I felt like I was lacking attention from my Dad and my Mom…growing up that is. So of course, once I ventured off to college it was a whole different world for me. I had a chance to revamp myself from who I was in high school. I was getting attention and people were for the first time really noticing me. It was the first time since my ex Michael had been around, that I was told I was beautiful. Now, whether or not these guys meant it (surely they didn’t or else they would’ve been a permanent fixture…), it was so nice to hear at the time. I lived for this attention although it was not positive attention.

I somewhat fault my parents for this starvation of attention…because growing up I didn’t get it like that. There was always a comparison to everyone else.I wasn’t the pretty child, not even really the smart one either…I was just the child. Now I don’t know how accurate that depiction is in the eyes of the people who were the adults that were around during these times, but through my eyes as a child, that’s how it was. Currently I have an on off relationship with my mom. Here lately more on than off, but she and I sharply disagree on a couple of subjects, namely the handling of visitation and custody of my niece. My mother doesn’t see where it’s wrong that her other daughter makes my nieces father keep the baby at my mothers house rather than where he wants. What the two of them seem to be in denial about is the fact that this man would NEVER allow for anything to happen to his daughter. I know that for a fact. It’s sad actually. Although my child’s father and I have zero relationship at all and minimal communication, I would never keep her away from him under any circumstances. But again, that’s another blog. I’ll touch on that later. My Dad and I have gotten very close in the past few years. I’ve become a bit of a Daddy’s girl….however, I always felt second hand to his latest wife, girlfriend, female companion…whatever.

Those negative ties have had a lasting impact on me that I am recently breaking. Trying to at least. That said, I have learned that my personality allows for any attention to be ok. I sought attention from the wrong kinds of guys and accepted it.

Big mistake. But I’ve learned. So don’t judge me.

It’s not Narcissism…

Some say it’s narcissistic to do self promotion of something one may do. Well, how else do you get your name out there? I said earlier via twitter that if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will.

That said, if you don’t promote yourself, who else will? I enjoy writing. Writing my feelings for the world to see…hopefully my writings will catch on with the right person and my writings will reach that many more people….It is not meant to offend anyone, but if it does. Put on your big girl and boy panties, suck it up and deal with it. No one is actually forcing you to read it…OK, I am trying REALLY hard to twist some of your arms…:-)

I’ve been slacking today on my blogging. I guess that’s because I’ve chosen to actually work today. *Sigh* I’d rather be writing….

To be continued….

{niggadom}

Oh boy. Here I go…

I just couldn’t resist this topic ….I was reminded of “niggadom” by Katt Williams and his fantastic perm the other day. Oh Katt.

Firstly, this word right heeere nigga?! This word right Heeeeeere nigga? Seriously though? Can we please as a people put a cease and desist on this word. I am so tired of hearing it from all colors of the rainbow that it’s sickening. Not only does it really make you look very ignorant but it’s a slap in the face to any race who has had to FIGHT to overcome racial segregation and or injustices over the course of humanity.

The word used in any context whether it is used as a racial epithet (nigger) or as a term of endearment (nigga), no matter how you coat it, it’s the same word with the same meaning. Why in the world has this word even become embraced by the African American community as a term of endearment? Yet when your Caucasian homeboy or homegirl says it in the same fashion as you with ZERO racial overtones, it’s wrong. Wrong is wrong my people and you’re taking many steps back in civil rights progress by perpetuating the use of this “word”. The word “nigger” “nigga” however you choose to spell it by dictionary terms is not a word to describe a race of people. However, looking back in our history, this has been a word that is very closely associated with the likes of slavery and overt racism in America. We can’t call Jewish people “kikes” Asians “chinks” Irish people “gingers” and so forth without the world turning over in it’s grave…so WHY is this word acceptable amongst a portion of my people? If African Americans can utter this word without any consequences then by golly, I am all for everyone using with no repercussions.

You can agree or disagree with me and my position. I always agree to disagree…but I stand firm on this subject.

Oh, and before anyone decides to call me a racist, I am by far a lovely mix of Scotch Irish, African American Native American and God knows what else…

…the point is. well, what is the point?

Well, I have been told by various sources that in one way or another my blog has been relative to their life in some form or fashion. I want to say thank you to those of you who continue to read my madness.

Because I promise, there is a method and reasoning to my madness. We collectively just haven’t figured that out yet. I spoke on my facebook page earlier today about supporting local artists from the Carolinas. The state itself really has a wealth of knowledge and talented people that have yet to be tapped by mainstream society. In order for us as writers and artists to make it, we have to believe in it.

Oh, and don’t do it just to be famous people. Do it because you love it. We should all learn to do what we love…I think the world would be a much more forgiving place.

Maybe.

As I embark on this chapter of my life, letting you all into the mixed up eccentric mind of well, me, I hope you continue to enjoy it. I will remain unfiltered and honest. What then would be the point of it being a diary of an angry mixed lady if I do not have angry overtones? Ok, so I am not really angry…:-) But I am very ethnically mixed up…

I was speaking briefly to an unknown cousin this morning about growing up racially ambigous. Unless you are of mixed race, or maybe not but you look a certain way, then this is a foreign topic for you. If this is the case, let me enlighten you to the plight of the light skinned breeds. We are constantly questioned “what are you?” “are you Spanish?” “You all look alike…” That stuff kinda gets under the skin, but it’s cool. We’re used to it by now. Hey, did you guys know we do tan…intentionally? My personal opinion is that we are some of the most beautiful people created…although 99.999  of the world IS racially mixed, it’s just more obvious in some than others. I love who I am and will not change it for any of you. BUT, if anyone volunteers some liposuction for me, then sure, I’ll take it. (Who wouldn’t want to look like Halle Berry circa 1992 Boomerang) I love life…I am a lover of life.

I really am. not. bitter.

Oh, all of that was the bait to get you all to read what I am about to talk about. I said all of that to lure you in. Did it work? You might want to find your gator skin for this. Or maybe not.

I have always wondered why people really say the things they say to another…especially if it’s clear and obvious the other person needs someone to confide in…or whatever. Is this what friends are SUPPOSED to be? I do not think you are being truthful to your “friend” or being truthful to oneself if you cannot take constructive criticism or dish it out when it’s requested. Trust me, no one really wants to be evaluated honestly through someone elses eyes…My point in saying that is if you don’t really want to assist in the betterment of someone elses demeanor, then don’t dammit offer it. If I consider you to be a close friend, you should take it as an honor…when I love I love hard and love my friends with all that I’ve got..

{your expectations. my underachievements.}

Society tells us, drills in our feeble little minds not to worry about what others think of us…how is that possible when we live in such a narcissistic society that cares only about what a person has and whether or not they’re aesthetically appealing? I like most of you do care about what kind of an aura I bring to the forefront but where is the line drawn? I say I don’t care what others think of me but if that was the case, then I wouldn’t have to buy the nicest of perfumes to smell beautiful. I wouldn’t keep my hair maintained to the likes of what’s in or what isn’t.

Yes, some of you will say it’s to make yourself feel better. But truthfully, how is one to feel better about themselves if there is no one being truthfully complimentary to them. It’s different receiving such comments via online. Those people don’t really know you…they know what YOU’VE presented online. They know the person that you may or may not have created in the virtual life. In reality, I am slightly shy and reserved. In reality I am not quite as bold to say some of the things I may say on this blog…

But don’t judge me.

I ask you not to judge me or anyone else on their imperfections. Their physical and emotional imperfections. I am human and have feelings just like anyone else…

I am broken but fixable. I am scarred but not capable of NOT being healed.

People are always saying, I’ll help you. I’ll be there..I’ll do this. A lot of lip service. But when it really comes down to it, they’re not there. They’re there because they may feel like it’s an obligation.

Do not be there for me because you feel like it’s an obligation to fulfill. Because I am not. As of yet, I am not anyone’s priority and I am becoming to be okay with that. My daughter says that you can always tell that a boy likes you because he says mean things to you…that is such a false statement that we have said to our children and it needs to cease and desist now. If that’s the case, some of the messages I’ve received as of late from a “man” who supposedly was interested can be interpreted as mean…in my eyes. But I know he sure as hell isn’t into me the way I am in to him. The sad part about that is I know it….but that’s going to be my next blog….

 

Stay tuned….