I grew up primarily with my mom and my grandmother. I didn’t grow up in the typical nuclear family with my biological Dad and my mom. I lived half my life with my mom’s mom. My maternal grandmother. My second mother. I was always very envious as a child of the children in my classes who had both parents in the home. My Dad was living in New Jersey with his new wife and his new son. My mother by this time had a second child.
I was replaced two times over. And it hurt.
I wanted to badly to be an only child and hoped that one day my parents would get back together and have a sibling for me. A biological sibling. Not a half sibling. A real sibling. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother to pieces, but it’s not quite the same. I do not have a relationship at all with my sister because I do not agree with her hostile disposition or damn near anything dealing with her. But that’s another blog.
I felt like I was lacking attention from my Dad and my Mom…growing up that is. So of course, once I ventured off to college it was a whole different world for me. I had a chance to revamp myself from who I was in high school. I was getting attention and people were for the first time really noticing me. It was the first time since my ex Michael had been around, that I was told I was beautiful. Now, whether or not these guys meant it (surely they didn’t or else they would’ve been a permanent fixture…), it was so nice to hear at the time. I lived for this attention although it was not positive attention.
I somewhat fault my parents for this starvation of attention…because growing up I didn’t get it like that. There was always a comparison to everyone else.I wasn’t the pretty child, not even really the smart one either…I was just the child. Now I don’t know how accurate that depiction is in the eyes of the people who were the adults that were around during these times, but through my eyes as a child, that’s how it was. Currently I have an on off relationship with my mom. Here lately more on than off, but she and I sharply disagree on a couple of subjects, namely the handling of visitation and custody of my niece. My mother doesn’t see where it’s wrong that her other daughter makes my nieces father keep the baby at my mothers house rather than where he wants. What the two of them seem to be in denial about is the fact that this man would NEVER allow for anything to happen to his daughter. I know that for a fact. It’s sad actually. Although my child’s father and I have zero relationship at all and minimal communication, I would never keep her away from him under any circumstances. But again, that’s another blog. I’ll touch on that later. My Dad and I have gotten very close in the past few years. I’ve become a bit of a Daddy’s girl….however, I always felt second hand to his latest wife, girlfriend, female companion…whatever.
Those negative ties have had a lasting impact on me that I am recently breaking. Trying to at least. That said, I have learned that my personality allows for any attention to be ok. I sought attention from the wrong kinds of guys and accepted it.
Big mistake. But I’ve learned. So don’t judge me.