The trials and tribulations. Of life.

I am back. If ever so briefly.

Boy has life changed since the last time I was on here! I now have a new addition to my family (my beautiful new 5 month old daughter Sofia) and I have finally finished my collegiate adventure. (Fifteen long years later…)

And I am now after almost ten years, about to move on to another place of employment. I cannot say I will miss my current job at all, but I will certainly miss about six of you who work with me.

I have not completely given up my dream on being a prolific writer for some nationally acclaimed magazine or news paper. I have just put it on pause for the moment until you, yes you….decide that I am exactly who you need to fulfill the job.

It appears to be I will not be moving to New York as I wanted for so many years…unless of course, something happens in the next few years that just takes me there…

Man, we have a lot to talk about…

Why.

There is no relationship in the entire universe that is absolutely perfect.

Well, unless you happen to be Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake. Or Barack and Michelle Obama. Other than that, no we cannot possibly have a perfect relationship. Really nothing even close to perfection. It doesn’t happen.

One thing that can happen is a mutual respect for one another and a drive to try to make it something worthwhile. Talking shit to your significant other is okay if the one being talked to is okay with it. If your significant other has made it painfully clear that he or she does not like being talked to in a condescending manner, then don’t do it.

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

End of story. You can save yourself a lot of wasted time and energy of one of the parties being angry with you. So why continue to do it if you know it bothers the other person? Is it a narcissistic character flaw within yourself that tells you it is okay to belittle someone when they have all but begged you to stop? You may think it is funny or fun and games but the other person does not.

What kind of a douche bag are you really though?

Here is my advice to you king or queen douche bag:

Stop it. Stop talking to your significant other as if he or she is beneath you or completely worthless to you and humanity at large.

I promise if you do, life will be so much more enjoyable for you…….

{if i could turn back time; i would.}

Somehow if the heavens allowed, I would most certainly turn back the hands of time and resist. I would tell you of the heartbreak you will end up causing me. I would prevent my heart and soul from being shredded into a million pieces with half of them being torn so small that it will be impossible to put them back together.

 

There would be a warning. You wouldn’t even have the chance to put me through the bullshit I’ve gone through. I should certainly take a hint to your lack of caring by the fact that every single time I have a concern; any time my emotions are involved and I want to talk to you about it you somehow turn it into me living for drama. Who else am I supposed to talk to?

I guess not you.

You don’t want to hear it…yet you don’t want to prove anything. You continue to act like I am the one who did you wrong. You act like I am the one who left the relationship in shambles…you continuously act as if I am the one who cheated on YOU and made active plans to move in with someone else….without letting you know anything. You act like I am the one who messed up a seemingly great relationship.

I guess that was me living in a serious case of denial. A fantasy that will never be attainable. I am still in fact that woman that every man dreams of, the woman that any man would love to have but no man ever wants to keep. I am not good enough for that.

Why EVER would a man want a woman who is faithful, home every day, makes sure there’s breakfast, lunch and dinner….loves him unconditionally. What man would want a woman who will love him and genuinely be there no matter what?

No man. No man would ever want someone like me because evidently I am too good to any man I have ever dated. I have never cheated on anyone I have dated. Never even had the DESIRE to do so…why?

Because when I love I fucking love hard.

But it seems to be that I continue to find the ones who only want to use me. Use me for what they can get out of me then once boredom sets in they keep it moving. While with me.

I swear to God, I will cheat on the next man I date. Never again will I be faithful….

why I will never be faithful to another man…

Who needs a doctor to diagnose depression when the average Jane and John Doe can pretty much self diagnose? Anyone with half a brain would clearly know that a person becomes depressed when life and situation constantly turn for the worse.

Me? My life is currently in shambles and I see no way out. I fell for a man who clearly never had any intentions of treating me like a lady. A man who NEVER had any intentions of being faithful to me. I fell for a man who is more dedicated to keeping the bitch he cheated on me with content than doing right by me. The woman who so foolishly stood by his side through thick and thin. The woman who was ready to be there until death do us part.

Why is it that we fall for those who don’t give a flying mother fuck about us? The problem is I was too damn good to him. I made sure there was dinner, breakfast, coffee, clean clothes…you know wife like duties. I have learned and decided that never again will I be faithful to any man.

Why?

Because being faithful gets you nowhere. Being a good fucking woman gets you nothing but heartache. I’ve learned in my life that no matter how good you are to anyone (friends included) in the end you’ll get screwed over royally.

So to prevent future heart break….I will just do whatever and whoever I want with no regards to their feelings.

You wanted a cold heartless bitch? Well here she is…

Now I am officially a mad mixed lady. No longer semi angry.

I am fucking pissed.

heroin. your new girlfriend.

I now fully believe once an addict, always an addict. There’s no aiding the repair of a heroin addict. In any way. This is an addiction that will ruin one’s entire existence. Make them lose everyone who gives a flying fuck about them, make them lose everything they have.

For what?

A temporary high?

It always puzzles me why the hell ANYONE would even TRY heroin…it’s not like a drug that people have ever said, yeah let’s try this. We won’t get hooked….said no one ever. Marijuana is something different, not an addictive drug. But heroin? You are a complete moron to even entertain the idea you WON’T GET HOOKED.

Unfortunately I have lost a boyfriend to heroin. Heroin is his girlfriend. Heroin is the love of his life. It is no longer me. I don’t believe it was ever me for that matter.

I am sick of the arguing. I am sick of the distrust. I am sick of being stolen from. I am sick of being cheated on not only with a nasty whore, but with his drug of choice…..

 

HEROIN. 

so sick of love songs.

Ne-yo clearly knew what he was talking about when he said he was so sick of love songs.

I have been put through shit that I never thought I would be drug through. This man who I loved left me for a druggie prostitute. A 34 year old “woman” who would be easily mistaken for a 60 year old any day. A woman who lost custody of all three of her children. He left me for her and of course everything was volatile with the two of them at all times. To the point where he was locked up for a week behind a situation with her. He was barred from contacting her in any capacity…I told him the condition of him being here is that he doesn’t contact her either.

What does he do?

He continues to contact her. He continues to see her regularly. He continues to tell her that he loves her and that he wants to marry her. Tells me that he says this stuff to her as bullshit…to get what he wants. This same man who would never go anywhere with me, do anything with me will go out to the mall for two and three hours at a time with her. With this woman who he isn’t even supposed to be seeing. This was just one day ago.

What infuriates me that much more is that I was good to him. I never dated anyone the entire time he was out fucking around with her. I never even attempted to date anyone while he was planning on moving in with this psychotic bitch who he said he love. I was encouraged to go on dates, to see other people because evidently that is what would help me get over him.

But what did I do?

I didn’t see anyone. I didn’t attempt to date anyone….I stuck around and hoped and prayed shit would work out with him. As he continued to see her. He continued to talk to her and make it known to her that she is the one he wants. He continues to say to me, I was just saying it because I needed something from her. I said it to keep her happy.

Yet he does absolutely NOTHING to try to keep me happy. The one who has constantly been there through all of this shit and stuck by his side. Nothing is ever done to make or keep me happy. But in my stupidity I continue to stay. I continued to stick by his side and take the bullshit hoping that one day soon things would change. In an text message that was forwarded to me, he called her his wife. He said he loves his wife…

He might’ve verbally said those things to me, but never like he does to her.

Everyday it gets worse and worse rather than better than better.

That’s what makes me an idiot.

Sex with a White man? Different? Noo…

There was an interesting topic of conversation among some of my friends on Facebook yesterday. 

What was it you ask? 

What is sex like with a White man as opposed to a Black man? 

Oh yeah? Now you all know as an angry mixed lady, I couldn’t leave this one alone. Please forgive me if this post offends anyone….just kidding! If you can’t take it then go put on your big kid panties and keep it moving! My own personal experience has been hearing Black women say things like, “I just can’t do it…they’re too small…” or things like, “I can’t see myself with a “pink” penis…” 

What in the entire hell are you TALKING about? How can you actually sit back and say with confidence that a White man’s penis is too small if in fact you’ve never allowed yourself to experience this for yourself? It literally makes me sick to hear such comments from women. Either way, my experience thus far is that of epic proportions. Currently I am seeing a man defined as being Caucasian. He is Italian, but by definition is White. Is he lacking in the personal area? Absolutely not! Matter of fact, I’d say he’s FAR better than any past escapade. His body is on point and he aims to please. Not just himself of course, but me. It’s never a rushed thing…never. Passionate and sensual and just generally amazing. 

Since meeting him and being with him intimately I will say I wholly prefer him over all else. Ladies before you jump on the “I don’t sleep with White men because their penis is small” train, do a little research and experiment a little. I am telling you….because I have known a couple of teeny peened Black men in my lifetime who would *never* have the opportunity to have any intimate parts of me again.